The Suicide Diaries

The weird thing about the virtual world is just how virtual it really is. You take a hiatus from reading and writing blogs, tweeting and message boarding and after a few days the whole virtual world starts to feel like an illusion. You realize that you could just stop existing and never go back. Virtual suicide is an easy and readily available option.

So that’s what’s been going on. I’ve been contemplating virtual suicide.

Actually, the truth is that I’ve just been really busy with life and work. Another school year is drawing to a close. The Great Recession is taking its toll. The perception is that we’ve all got to give more. We should be grateful to have work, especially work that is mostly creative and enjoyable. And it’s true. I am grateful for what I have and I am giving more. There’s no resentment but it comes at a cost. There’s definitely less time for virtual living.

That’s not entirely true either. I’m having an identity crisis. My real identity and my fake identity are fighting with each other for control of the virtual world. I blame Twitter.

Many years ago, I created this fake online avatar so that I could exist in the virtual world without censoring myself. Well, I still censor myself somewhat, but I liked how the relative anonymity of the ‘Cody Pomeray’ persona allowed me to discuss things – personal, political and other – that I wouldn’t necessarily want connected to my professional life.

Then Twitter came along. I really like the form of Twitter. In my approach, podcasts are designed for rants and interviews that benefit from verbalization. Blogs are designed for essays that require a more deliberate and thoughtful approach. Twitter is perfect for stray ideas and mini-conversations.

After I got sucked into Twitter I found my virtual and real worlds colliding (the exact reason why I don’t Facebook). I started following people that I knew in the real world. It felt disingenuous to Twitter with people without telling them who I was. That was the beginning of the trouble.

I also started to realized that the professional face that I was presenting online was incomplete and disingenuous. I had limited my “official” online presence to an entirely corporate and entirely one-dimensional voice. It didn’t represent the true or whole me.

So, I’m not sure what to do. I’m starting to write and tweet under my real name. But in doing so, I have to censor myself more. So what do I do with the more personal stuff like politics, ‘fat boy remorse’ posts, rants, music reviews, etc. that aren’t necessarily appropriate for work?

I guess I could keep posting that stuff here. But if VoC only represents the 'inappropriate' material, then Cody would come across as a phony and a douchebag. What a headache. I guess I need to figure out how to strike a balance between the appropriate and the inappropriate and between the real and the fake.

Now I really wish that I believed in maya.

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Oh Sweet Nuthin'

For the last 5 weeks I’ve been perfect, with a consistent daily practice each and every weekday morning.

Actually, that isn’t entirely true.

3 weeks ago I missed 2 days, one morning because I had an early flight and the next morning because I was too “tired” after a late night of boozing.

Weeknight boozing is a rarity for me. While I’m a big fan of the actual drinking and hanging out, I’m not a fan of waking up the next morning and practicing yoga. I can definitely feel the effects of even one beer when I’m on the mat. As a result I don’t, as a general rule, drink at all during the week unless I’m traveling. Kid-free trips, however, do require a certain amount of boozing. It’s in my “modestly reformed degenerate” contract.

But other than those 2 mornings I’ve been perfect. It’s a good habit to be in.

I haven’t been to any led classes in the last month either, but not because I’m boycotting them. I just haven’t had time to get to a studio due to work, travel and family stuff. But I’ve been on the mat at the stroke of 6 each and every morning.

My practice is beyond basic. I start with sun salutations, usually 4 As and 4 Bs with jump-backs. Then I do all of standing, minus ardha baddha padmottanasana. Then I bust out 6 navasanas and 30 or so abdominal twists. I finish up with a little pranayama and a nice savasana. It’s a tidy little 30 minute session.

I’m sure I’ll tweak the home sequence in the future and I know that I’ll go back to classes at some point. I’ve just fallen into a groove where yoga is playing a foundational role in my life, rather than a driving role.

I wonder if I’ve entered a different phase of my yoga practice where it’s just there. Get up, bend, breathe and go. No goals, no thinking, no nothing.

Speaking of phases, I realized that I missed my 5 year practice anniversary, which passed sometime in late-May. I guess that means it’s time for:

Visions of Cody’s Official 5 Year Yoga Practice Review

When I walked into that Bikram studio in May of 2004 I said that I was looking for “wellness.” So, has wellness been achieved through 5 years of (practically) daily yoga practice?

Physical Wellness

Over the last 5 years I’ve lost about 42 pounds. That’s the good news. The bad news is that I’ve put about 28 of those pounds back on.

I was a vegetarian when I started yoga. I’m back to being a carnivore. I’m much happier being a carnivore. I’m glad that I was a veggie for so long because it gave me real insight and appreciation into that lifestyle. On the other hand, we’re going to Grill 23 tomorrow night for steaks.

One could say that the meat eating might be a contributor to my fatness. One would probably be right. But we’re still going to Grill 23! Hi-oh!

I’ve torn the medial meniscus in both knees, having had the left one surgically repaired and the right one surgically ignored. That is also bad.

I’m in better anaerobic shape now than I was then. I’m still in as poor aerobic shape now as I was then. Yikes.

So, as far as physical wellness goes, I give Yoga a “meh,” but I’m still alive, so that’s got to count for something.

Mental Wellness

I was a lazy but content baby (so says my baby book!) and I’m a lazy but content adult. I’m probably slightly less lazy now but that’s more by necessity than by choice.

I’ve always been a happy person. I’m still a happy person even though I’ve had to accept the horribleness of being an adult. Well, at least I got my wife and kids out of the deal and they’re all cute. I like to complain about things, but just for fun. I’ve really got nothing substantial to complain about which is probably why I like to complain about insignificant things. I’m lucky that way.

My monkey mind still races and chatters away, but that’s what minds do. Yoga has definitely taught me how to control those thoughts better and how to step back and observe thoughts and emotions.

I guess I have achieved a certain level of mental wellness. Good job, Yoga.

Spiritual Wellness

I was a non-practicing (cultural) Jew when I started yoga and I still swing that way. I considered myself a secular humanist back then and I still do, not that that really means anything.

I’ve studied some Judaism, Hinduism and Buddhism in my life, plus I’ve been exposed to Christianity via my wife’s family. All of them contain interesting aspects but I don’t really believe in any of them. Plus, they’re boring and I have a short attention span. That’s why I like Samkhya and Yoga.

I consider myself more of an agnostic than an atheist now, which I guess is a softer position. I still believe that people have a soul but I just don’t think there’s a creator God that’s mucking around with us. Whatever. It’s all just a bunch of concepts attempting to describe things that we can’t possibly comprehend.

Summary

In a weird way, I guess Yoga has worked for me in the last 5 years, but not how I thought it would. It’s turned out to be not so great for me physically (in all honesty going to the gym and dieting probably would have been better) but the parts that I wasn’t actually looking for - namely, mental and spiritual peace - kind of delivered.

I guess Patanjali was right all along. Yoga is a good technique for mind control but you can spend a lot of cash on workshops and fancy mats if you’re not careful.

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VOC Podcast Episode 43: Fabulous Footwear for Fashionistas!

Fashionista Cody returns with some funny and functional tips for fabulous summer footwear!


Click here to listen to episode 43

Click here to subscribe to the VOC Podcast via iTunes

visionsofcody.net

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Dear Michael McDonald,

You don’t know me, but I’m your brother.

And as such I just don’t understand why you hate me so. Why, Michael, why?

Let me explain.

Every time I buy tickets to a concert where you’re slated to appear something happens and I end up not seeing the show.

At first I thought I was suffering from a Steely Dan curse. Even though we’ve seen the “Dan” a couple of times over the years, twice I’ve had to ditch tickets to Dan-related shows: once because we couldn’t get a sitter and once because Donald was sick and we were out of town for the make-up date.

But now that I’m forced to ditch our 2nd row center tickets for your upcoming show with Boz Scaggs and we’re still planning on seeing Steely Dan perform Gaucho live in July, I realize that YOU’RE the problem. Don’t try to deny it – I know that you were touring with Steely Dan when we missed that show.

Truth be told, we’re not terribly upset over missing your show with Boz. At first we were really excited. You know that we see Boz every chance we can, we scored great seats and we thought it would be nice to see you open up the show.

Then the tickets arrived in the mail and we discovered a shocking thing – your name was listed first. It appears that Boz is opening for YOU.

Seriously? How is that even possible? No disrespect intended, but Boz is a million times better than you.

Michael, I love your voice. You were great in the Doobies. You were great with Steely Dan. You even have a handful of decent solo hits. But I know Boz Scaggs. I've loved Boz Scaggs. And you’re no Boz Scaggs.

In disbelief, I asked everyone in the office who they thought was a bigger star. Sadly, I work in an office full of 25 year olds who had never heard of either of you. But you’ll be happy to know that among my peer group they all favored you over Boz.

Eh. What do those idiots know anyway?

Let’s figure this out sports sections style with a head to head matchup:

Singing

Boz has a beautiful and flexible voice that has aged perfectly. He has the range to cover blues, jazz, standards and disco-flavored pop.

Michael has one of the most iconic and memorable voices in rock history and still sounds great, even on weak-ass Motown covers.

Advantage: McDonald

Playing

Boz is an excellent blues-guitar player. Although he keeps a lead guitar player in his band to handle most of the heavy-lifting he still graces us with a smoking solo or two every show. That cat has gorgeous tone.

Michael is a master of the Casio, a decent but unspectacular keyboard player.

Advantage: Scaggs

Songs

Boz fills 2 CDs with well-known and well-loved hits from all phases of his long and illustrious career. There is absolutely no filler on his Greatest Hits collection. For a (very brief) moment he was the biggest star in the music world. I own his entire discography.

Michael’s greatest hits album is 50% filler even with some Doobie Brothers hits included. I hate to admit it but I skip at least 6 songs (out of 18) on the disc. I mean, “Jah Mo B There” is the 4th song on the album for Jah's sake. In fairness, the good songs are awesome, though.

Advantage: Scaggs

Associations

Boz was a member of Steve Miller’s band before going solo in the late 60s.

Michael made the Doobie Brothers great, added wonderful background vocals to Steely Dan’s best albums and recorded many famous duets as a solo artist.

Advantage: McDonald

Final Score: 2-2

It’s a tie! Sweet Georgia Brown! I never saw that coming!

Well, Michael, I guess we’ve got nothing to argue about after all. I hope you have a great time in Boston. Catch a Sox game. Take Boz on a Swan Boat. Eat a lobster roll at the Neptune Oyster.

Love Always,


Cody

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2 final housekeeping notes:

1) If you’re interested in buying my tickets to see McDonald & Scaggs on June 25 at the Bank of America Pavilion in Boston please send me an e-mail. I will sell them to you for the exact price that I paid. We’re talking Section 2, Row B, Seats 28-29 here folks. Please don’t make me resort to Craigslist...that shit is dangerous here in Boston!

2) The greatest thing ever produced on the internet is the Yacht Rock video series (watch all 10 episodes in order.) If you like Boz and Michael and Steely Dan you'll love these humorous videos.

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“Wow! She really pulled a Sedgwick”

If you asked me who the hottest actress of the last 20 years was, I would probably supply you with a different answer depending on the day and the specific criteria.

One thing I can guarantee you, however, is that I would not have named Kyra Sedgwick as one of the world’s hottest actresses. No offense to Mr. or Mrs. Bacon intended, but I’ve never found Kyra Sedgwick to be attractive. Now, I’m not saying that she’s un-attractive. That insult is reserved exclusively for Sarah Jessica Parker. You see, while women seem to love SJP I have yet to meet a man who finds her even remotely attractive.

But my point is not to insult the Bacons or the Brodericks-Parkers. In fact, my point is quite the opposite, for the unimaginable has happened.

Over the last few years Kyra Sedgwick has inexplicably become really hot. How did that happen?

As far as I know, this development is wholly unprecedented in the history of Hollywood. I can’t think of another actress that went from not-hot to hot in her 40s. Not that 43 is old by any stretch. There are tons of hot actresses in their 40s, 50s and beyond. But hot actresses in their 40s and 50s were similarly hot in their 20s – except for Kyra.

Some may point to the case of Diane Lane as another Sedgwickian late-bloomer. But the photographic evidence clearly shows that Ms. Lane was always hot – it’s just that we weren’t aware of her hotness until she was in her 40s.

No, I can’t think of another actress that magically crossed-over from not-hot to hot in her 40s and frankly I’m proud for both Kyra and Kevin.

I do hope that it’s not a case of plastic surgery. I have nothing philosophically against plastic surgery (could use a little nip/tuck myself, don’t you know) but I always feel like it’s a deal with the devil – look better for a few years only to look worse in a few decades. I mean, wouldn’t we all pitch in a few bucks if we could just get normal Meg Ryan back?

I wonder if it’s her hair. She used to be curly haired and now she’s straight haired. And while that might seem insignificant, think back to when Keri Russell cut her hair off during Felicity. That was - no exaggeration - a national tragedy. We lost one of our most beautiful stars that season. Luckily hair grows back and Ms. Russell is once again hot.

I suspect that we’re seeing the true genius of Kevin Bacon at work here. He’s always a few steps ahead of the rest of us. Back when we were making fun of his warehouse dancing he was secretly establishing himself as one of our greatest character actors. I’m guessing that Kevin knew that Kyra would turn super-hot in her 40s and he played the long game. Lesson: never bet against Bacon.

My only hope is that we can culturally recognize Kyra’s late hotness forever by embracing phrases like: “Wow! She really pulled a Sedgwick” for future actresses that follow in the trail of late-hotness that Kyra has blazed.

(Please insert standard apology here for anyone who finds this essay offensive.)

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Regrets? I've had a few...

If I were a regular reader of this blog or a practitioner of Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga a question that I would have would be “do you regret writing the essay analyzing the potential implications of the Ashtanga teaching authorization changes now that SKPJ has passed and you’re back on the daily Ashtanga practice bandwagon?”

(That’s an excellent question, by the way. Thank you for asking it.)

First, let’s establish the fact that I have never written an essay or produced a podcast with the intention of being controversial in an attempt to boost traffic. The reason I don’t try to stir up controversy is that I believe that readers of “scandalous” blog posts are not likely to become regular readers of the blog, so what’s the point? Why risk alienating regular readers with disingenuous posts just to get a temporary popularity boost? I write whatever comes to mind, I strive to be honest, I try not to offend and I try to amuse myself. I hope people like my work but if they don’t, they don’t. It’s all for fun, anyway.

I wrote “New Frontier” one afternoon after reading about the changes at AYRI. As a long-time marketing strategist my brain has been trained to think about most things in terms of branding and consumers. I know, it’s horrible, but those samskaras run deep.

It never crossed my mind at the time that people would react so strongly to the essay. I unwittingly found myself in the middle of the controversy and at the time I did regret writing it. Not because I disagreed with what I wrote but because I didn’t want to be involved. I’ve never been to Mysore, I’m not a yoga teacher and I’m not even very good at yogasana. So, yes, last August I just wanted it all to go away. In fact, I declined a request to reprint the essay elsewhere and I largely avoided discussing the situation anywhere but on this blog.

Look, I love yoga. I’ve had an on-again, off-again relationship with Ashtanga largely because of my knees, my lifestyle and my ego. Yet every time that I quit Ashtanga I eventually find myself drawn back to it. I don’t know why. I suspect it’s because I need the demands of a daily practice – come hell or high water – to keep me on the path and Ashtanga Vinyasa Yoga is still the best approach for me to daily self-practice.

I guess it takes a tough Guru to make a tamasic tender!

I’ve been getting back in the groove as of late by doing suryanamaskara and the standing series each weekday morning. No teacher, no classes, no next poses, nothing. I go to Bikram class when I can for fun, but it doesn’t replace my morning practice. So far it’s working out great.

A confession: I find that I’m no longer really interested in yoga “culture.” Sometimes I’ll see an e-mail for a ridiculous workshop or I’ll read a silly bio in the Kripalu catalog and I’ll be tempted to write a post about it. But I never do because I just don’t care about the scene anymore. My yoga is very stripped-down these days: 30 to 45 minutes of postures, breathing and sitting with no music, no videos and no frills. I’m not working on anything - I’m just working.

But enough about me – let’s talk about the essay. Re-reading the essay I was struck by how neutral it is. I ride the fence all the way. I basically say that if they decide to reduce the number of teachers to keep the practice pure it’s not a bad thing but the unintended consequence might be a watered-down version of Ashtanga in the US if there aren’t enough teachers to satisfy the demand. I suggest that there could be a profit motive but I certainly don’t accuse them of such. I’m still fine with everything that I wrote.

Most of the criticism seems to be based on the fact that many people think yoga shouldn’t ever be discussed in capitalistic terms. I still find that argument to be incredibly naïve. Yoga is eternal and will appear in all types of societies. Those societies will change yoga and yoga will change those societies. We live in a capitalist society so of course US yoga needs to be discussed on those terms. Pretending otherwise is probably why so many yoga businesses struggle. Sure, we all wish that America was a socialist utopia with universal health care, ice hockey on every channel and an endless supply of delicious beer. But this isn’t that magical fantasy land, if it even exists.

But I still wish that I didn’t write the essay. Reliable sources tell me that the AYRI is a sincere family business that grew out of control and they’re just doing what they can to keep up. The teachings of Guruji and his students have meant a lot to me over the years. I hate to think that my random thoughts on the subject helped to fuel some kind of anti-AYRI sentiment. I never intended that to happen. So there you have it – while I still agree with what I wrote I’m sorry that I wrote it and I apologize to anyone who was offended by the essay.

(p.s. I’m still okay with the Anusara jokes, though. Ha!)

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Thank you Guruji

I wasn't a direct student of yours nor was I always a very good student.

But your teachings have meant a lot to me and I practice them still.

Thank you for your lifetime of service.


Sri Krishna Pattabhi Jois, 1915-2009

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VOC Podcast Episode 42: Deconstructing Star Trek

Noted Star Trek expert Captain Dunsel joins Cody to discuss and review the new film. Plus, a never before told tale about William Shatner, the original Captain Kirk, is finally shared.

Click here (after listening) to see Cody's infamous Crayola picture.

(By the way, there are many spoilers involved.)


Click here to listen to episode 42

Click here to subscribe to the VOC Podcast via iTunes

visionsofcody.net

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Cheney being Cheney

Of all of the travesties committed in our name during the previous administration’s reign of terror, none were quite as egregious as torture.

To be clear, torture is never acceptable, anytime, anywhere, under any circumstances. It is a reprehensible practice that is completely amoral.

Now, to the yogis among us, torture is not really a debatable issue. The prime directive of yoga is ahimsa, or non-harming. It is wrong to commit violence, in thought, speech, or action, against oneself or others. It’s a good rule to try to live by.

Torture defenders like to bring up the “ticking time bomb” scenario. They ask whether you would torture a terrorist in order to prevent a mass killing. And in truth I suspect that I probably would - just like I would probably kill any person that tried to kill a member of my family. Look, I never claimed to be Gandhi here. But there’s a huge difference between individual actions and official governmental policy.

Violence is a huge problem in America (and in many other parts of the world) because we are a violent people. We celebrate war. We celebrate machismo. We love our violent TV shows and videogames. We’re all for capital punishment. We shun diplomacy and non-violent conflict resolution. And don’t even dream about taking away our automatic weapons and exploding bullets.

We view the world as a violent, dangerous place full of evil people trying to kill us precisely because we are violent and we kill innocent people across the globe.

Two things have become increasingly evident over the last few weeks:

1) Former VP Dick Cheney was clearly the leading proponent (and now defender) of America’s official torture policy.

2) President Obama will not be pursuing any legal remedies (i.e. war crime prosecutions) against obvious war criminals like Cheney.

Now, I understand the reason behind both of these developments. In Cheney’s case, he supported torture as a means of validating his twisted worldview and justifying his illegal actions. Plus, he’s obviously an evil and sadistic creep. In Obama’s case, he’s trying to pull (most of) our highly partisan nation together and he realizes that prosecution of the previous administration, even if it’s justified, might irrevocably shatter our union.

So what can we do if there’s no legal remedy in the offing and Cheney is just going to keep lurking around the media, frightening children and justifying torture?

Well, here’s my plan: I suggest that we embark upon a concerted national campaign to turn Dick Cheney into a joke.

I call it: “Cheney being Cheney” (#cheneybeingcheney)*

*{Please note that the phrase “Cheney being Cheney” is freely adapted from the legendary “Manny being Manny”. Former Red Sox left fielder Manny Ramirez (now disgraced due to a steroids suspension – you can hear my Manny podcast here) was famous for two things: hitting baseballs and acting crazy. Over his 8 years in Boston, Manny would say and do unexpected things on a regular basis. Sometimes they were humorous – like peeing behind the green monster or high-fiving fans mid-play. Sometimes they were bad – like shoving teammates or old clubhouse men. Manny came to be viewed as an idiot savant and people didn’t take him seriously. This Onion article hits the mark perfectly.}

Whenever Cheney says anything, the only rebuttal should be a simple and dismissive “that’s just Cheney being Cheney!” Nothing more ever needs to be said. Actually, nothing more should be said.

See, there’s no point in trying to discredit Dick Cheney. He’s already been discredited. Yet since he’s a former VP and a well-known villain, the media still feels compelled to let him air his crazy, bilious theories. Then the blogosphere feels compelled to refute and argue them, as if his theories had any merit. That crazy fucker is still framing the discussion on his terms.

I think the only way to get rid of Cheney is to turn him into a joke. We have to reduce him to the level of “angry old man that talks crazy nonsense.” If we stop believing in him, if we stop listening to him, eventually he’ll stop talking and then we can wish him away like the evil twisted spirit that he is.

So, I invite you to join with me in a non-violent protest against torture and its champions. Let’s humiliate Dick Cheney by ignoring him and treating him like the irrelevant lunatic that he is. Let’s turn Dick Cheney into the Manny Ramirez of politics.

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